God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
