I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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