I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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