i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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