I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
