i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
