I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
