Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize