I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
