I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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