Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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