Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
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