thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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