he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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