i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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