I looked at my own cervix.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I am one with the molecules
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
