I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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