after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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