I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
