Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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