dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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