you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I just googled if crying burns calories
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
