Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
