I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
