it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
