i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
