Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Randomize
