I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Randomize
