I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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