John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
