he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Randomize
