It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
