Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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