Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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