I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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