Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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