I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
