I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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