you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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