Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
