I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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