I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
