Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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