sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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