I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
