Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
