I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
