I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
