a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
