Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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