oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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