i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize