I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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