Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
