Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
