I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
