Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I think I just sharted jello shots
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