Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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