I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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