Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
operation harelip BJ is a go
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
