She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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